Harry Potter and the True Meaning of Christmas
by YOUARETEARINGMEAPARTLISA
Summary: Note! This is not official Harry Potter canon. I realise it may seem like it given the amazing quality of writing but don't be fooled.   Dedicated to Nicola with special thanks to Caitlin for ruining my amazing story by making me include Donkey Kong.


Harry Potter and the True Meaning of Christmas

Chapter One: A Festive Twist

It was a cold, crisp morning in the Dursley household and Harry had just finished hanging the Christmas stockings above the fireplace, an act relevant only to the extent that it establishes the setting of the story.

'Harry!' cried uncle Vernon, 'get in here, boy.'

Harry entered the kitchen to find a rather concerned looking Vernon leaning against the sink.

'Harry, I have something to tell you' said Vernon in a quiet voice.

'What is it, uncle?' said Harry.

Vernon stood up from his chair and approach Harry, touching him lightly on the shoulder.

'Harry' he said, 'I've got something to tell you, I'm Santa, Harry.'

There was a brief moment of silence between the two before Harry interrupted '…what?'

'I'm Santa, Harry. I always have been, don't you believe me?'

'Why the hell would I believe that?' shouted Harry, 'Santa's not even real!'

Vernon grasped at his chest and let out a cry of pain.

'Uncle! Are you ok? What happened?'

Vernon climbed up against the kitchen table breathing heavily. 'Oh it's nothing, it's just that when people say I'm not real I suffer from massive chest pains.'

'How does that work?' asked Harry in a clear tone of disbelief.

'It's magic, boy. Don't question it!'

'Are you sure it's not your heart? I mean no offense, but you're not exactly the fittest man alive.'

'Watch yourself, boy!' snapped Vernon. 'Your uncle died years ago when you were just a baby, heart failure or something like that. Anyway since then I've been using Polyjuice potion to disguise myself as your uncle so as that I can watch over you.'

Harry's face scrunched up. 'Watch over me? What are you talking about?'

Vernon's eyes began to narrow as he leaned towards Harry and said 'I've been watching over you because you are the only one that can save Christmas.'

'Why should I believe you?' Harry exclaimed in a clear tone of disbelief. 'Santa's supposed to be jolly and you've been nothing but a bastard to me ever since I moved in here!'

'All part of the disguise, my boy! All part of the disguise.' Vernon's expression clearly showing no remorse.

'If you're really Santa then prove it!' said Harry.

A wide grin stretched across Vernon's wide, pig-like face. 'I thought you'd never ask.'

Vernon removed a small vial of liquid from his breast pocket and began to drink it. Suddenly his facial hair began to grow rapidly and his hair whitened.

'Wow' said Harry, 'that really wasn't much of a transformation at all, in fact I think your hair was the only thing that changed. I suppose that then begs the question: why didn't you just dye your hair all along?'

'Well I suppose I could have done that, it would have saved me a lot of potion making time… and I wouldn't have needed to keep that jar of your uncle's hair to use in the potions but it's too late for that now.'

The transformation had convinced Harry that his former uncle was telling the truth though it didn't do much to alleviate his fears of the man he now knew to be hoarding clumps of his dead uncle's hair.

In a hesitant tone Harry asked 'so what now?'

With a grin on his face Santa replied 'now we need your friends.'

Chapter Two: Cruelty Powered Locomotion

Having collected his things for the ensuing adventure, Harry made his way to the front door.

'Where do you think you're going, boy?' inquired Santa.

'Uhh to go and get Ron and Hermione?' replied Harry.

'Yes, I got that but why are you heading for the door when we have a perfectly good sleigh on the roof?'

Santa paused briefly in a clear attempt to add dramatic effect to a statement he thought was impressive then it actually was.

'Uhh' said Harry, 'I've got a broomstick, I could fly myself you know.'

'We're taking the sleigh!' snapped Santa. 'We'll climb out the window in Dudley's room, it's the easiest way to get onto the roof.'

'Wait, won't Dudley be in there… and won't he wonder what Santa is doing in his room?'

'Are you kidding' replied Santa, 'you mean you actually haven't noticed?'

'Noticed what?' asked Harry.

'Dudley hasn't been here for months, Harry. He ran away with that belly dancer girlfriend of his, they've gone to the Bahamas or some such nonsense.'

'Wow' said Harry, 'You know what I just realised? I don't care at all. Now come on, let's get going.'

The pair made their way up through Dudley's room and onto the roof. Santa's sleigh looked every bit as festive as those Coca-Cola™ advertising department would have you believe.

'Well come on!' shouted Santa. 'In you get.'

Harry made his way to the passengers seat of the sleigh and muttered to himself 'I can't believe how cool this would have been had it happened before I realised I could do magic.'

'What was that Harry' said Santa?

'Nothing' murmured Harry.

'No matter' replied Santa, 'it's time to go!'

Santa cracked the reigns causing the reindeer to cry out what Harry could only identify as pain and off they went.

'So what do you think of my sleigh, Harry?'

'It's a lot like a broom except it runs on animal cruelty'

'Nonsense, boy' chuckled Santa. 'It's a well known fact that striking reindeer gives them energy, it's like food to them.'

'I'm almost certain that's not true' said Harry.

'But you're not completely certain and that's what matters, besides we're here.'

'Wow, that was fast' said Harry in a genuine tone of disbelief.

'I told you, Harry: sleigh all the way.'

'I'm going to pretend you didn't just say that, now come on.'

Harry knocked twice before Mrs Weasley came and opened the door.

'Hello Harry! Hello Santa!' squeaked Mrs Weasley in a cheerful tone.

'Hello Mrs Weasley' said the two in perfect harmony.

Knowing full well that if he didn't get the first words in he'd never to able to get her to be quiet, Harry quickly interjected 'is Ron around? Santa and I need his help to save Christmas from Voldemort.'

'Sounds exciting!' replied Mrs Weasley. 'I'll go and get him, just a moment.'

Once Mrs Weasley and returned inside to get Ron, Santa turned to Harry and said 'that was easier than I thought it would be.'

'Yeah I'm not really sure what to think of her overwhelming willingness to put her own son in harms way but so long as it benefits me it doesn't really matter.'

At that moment Ron interrupted. 'Hey Harry, what's up? Who's the Vernon look alike?'

'It's clearly Santa, Ron. Now come on we have to go pick up Hermione.'

The three of them climbed back into the sleigh and took off for Hogwarts to pick up the final member of their party.

After a few minutes of flying in silence, Ron finally decided to just ask: 'uhh so what are we doing exactly?'

Harry tilted his head, 'wait, Ron's right: what are we doing exactly?'

'I'll explain once we pick up Hermione which will be any moment now' said Santa.

'I simply cannot get over how fast this thing is' said Harry.

The gang made their way though the empty hallways to Hermione's room. Ron knocked on the door before letting himself in anyway.

'Hermione!' shouted Ron, 'you in here?'

'Ron? What are you doing here?' shouted a familiar voice.

Ron, Harry and Santa made their way further into the dormitory to find Hermione surrounded by text books.

'Bloody hell' said Ron.

'You can never be too prepared for exams' said Hermione in a voice that seemed to mimic that of a teacher. 'Besides, with all the adventuring we do I need to find some time to study which is why I decided that this year instead of wasting the Christmas break with family and friends I thought I'd stay at school and get some study done.'

'Yeah I was wondering what you were doing here' said Ron.

'Really?' said Harry. 'Because I was wondering how Santa knew she was here despite the fact neither of us told him where she was.'

'We don't have time to ponder such questions' said Santa, 'Christmas is in danger!'

'What's he talking about, Harry? And for that matter what's he doing here? Santa's no more real than Ron's work ethic.'

Santa collapsed to the ground clasping at his chest once again.

'Yeah, he doesn't like people saying that' said Harry in a monotonous voice.

'Ah, so what are you guys doing here anyway?' asked Hermione.

'We came here to get you, we need your help to save Christmas' said Santa who was clearly in a great deal of pain.

'Are you kidding me? No! No more life threatening adventures, I'm going to stay here and get some study done for a change!'

'I was afraid you might say that' said Santa as he walked towards Hermione.

'Wha… what are you doing?' said Hermione.

Then suddenly, Santa struck Hermione across the head with a candy cane knocking her unconscious and stuffing her into a sack. Santa turned Ron and Harry both or whom were clearly disturbed by what they had just seen.

'Right' said Santa. 'Time to go.'

Chapter 3: Pterodactyls on Fire

The gang returned to the sleigh and set off once again.

'So where exactly are we going Santa?' asked Ron.

'Why the North Pole, of course!' answered Santa.

'Santa.'

'Yes, Harry?'

'You still haven't told us what we're doing, why you need us or what we're saving Christmas from.'

'Oh right!' chuckled Santa. 'Yes, I suppose I probably should explain that at some point to give the story some kind of direction.'

'Story?'

'Never mind, ok so why you're here. It seems as though He who must not be named has stolen Christmas!'

'Wait' said Ron 'how exactly do you steal Christmas?'

'To be honest I'm actually not quite sure but I do know that he has cast some kind of spell on the muggle population that has allowed him to quite literally suck the joy out of Christmas. The power he gains from the festive season will allow him to grow even more powerful and unless he's stopped soon, will mean the end of Christmas as we know it!'

Harry turned away briefly, clearly annoyed he was being dragged into another conflict he said 'Ok, so how do we fit into this?'

'Ahh' sighed Santa. 'Harry, you must find the Spirit of Christmas and use it to defeat He who must not be named. Legend has it that one boy will be dumped with pretty much every special destiny imaginable and that boy just so happens to be you.'

'Surely there's someone else that could help for a change?' growled Harry.

'You would think so but no, it has to be you' replied Santa.

'And why did we need them?' said Harry pointing to Ron and the moving sack.

'Oh… well I suppose we don't really need them but it wouldn't be an adventure without Ron and Hermione now would it?'

Harry sighed and slumped back in his seat 'so why are we going to the North Pole exactly?

'Because that's where His impregnable snow death fortress is, of course' replied Santa.

'Right, of course' said Harry in a mocking tone. 'And how exactly are we going to get into said fortress?'

'We'll work that out when we get there.'

'Come to think of it, you said we need the Spirit of Christmas to defeat Voldemort but we're heading straight to his fortress… without it. Do you have any idea what you're doing, Santa?'

Despite the freezing temperatures, Harry's questioning was causing Santa to sweat profusely. Santa began to stutter 'Uhh well I-I-I uhh… Look at that!'

'No!' shouted Harry, 'you tell me what the plan is or I'm out of here!'

'We've got to get out of here right now!' shouted Santa.

'We're not doing anything until you tell me you have a plan that doesn't involve getting all of us killed!'

'Everybody get down!' cried Santa

'I'm not doing anything you say you stupid fat fu-'

Suddenly the sleigh was struck by a large object engulfed in flames.

'What the bloody hell is that?' cried Ron.

'It's a pterodactyl… on fire!' cried Santa 'Voldemort uses them in a similar manner to that of a guard dog. They're pretty fierce but once you set them on fire they're something else altogether.'

'Won't that kill them?' asked Ron as he held on for his life.

'Well yes, of course it will but until they actually die they're incredibly dangerous.'

Suddenly, Pterodactyls! Dozens of them! Santa and Harry began casting avada kedavara spells everywhere while Ron untied the sack to let Hermione out.

'What's going on?' she shouted.

'Pterodactyls on fire!' yelled Harry.

The gang fired at the flying monsters relentlessly then all of a sudden, another hit the sleigh knocking Santa over the edge.

'Santa!' screamed Harry

Several pterodactyls began to attack the reindeer causing the sleigh to begin to lose altitude. At this point, pterodactyls began falling out of the sky as a result of fire induced death.

'We're going to die!' screamed Ron.

The sleigh, now in freefall, began approaching the earth at a rapid pace.

'I've got an idea!' shouted Hermione. 'Wingarium leviosa!'

A bright light shot from the tip of Hermione's wand moments before the sleigh hit the earth, shattering into hundreds of pieces.

'We're… we're alive?' said Ron.

'It would appear so' replied Hermione. 'I guess the levitation spell worked.'

'Yeah, about that' said Harry pointing at Hermione. 'Why didn't you use the levitation spell on the sleigh itself rather than us?'

'Look, I just saved your life alright? Back off.' snapped Hermione

'Gee thanks, now instead we can die in this blizzard-'

'Guys' Ron interrupted. 'Where are we?'

Chapter 4: Fearless Godless Killing Machines

Harry, Ron and Hermione were lost. Nothing but white as far as the eye could see.

'Maaaan, nothing but white as far as the eye can see' said Ron (redundantly).

'I suppose we may as well just pick a direction and walk, it's not like there's really much else we can do.'

Ron and Hermione agreed so they started walking. After a solid 30 or so seconds of walking the gang began to give up hope.

'We're gonna die' whimpered Ron.

'We are NOT going to die!' shouted Hermione 'we're going to be just fine.'

'Oh right' said Ron sarcastically 'and what's going to save us? That silhouette over there?'

Ron pointed at an object in the distance.

'Hey, Ron's right' said Harry.

The gang ran towards the object which seemed almost as thought it was bobbing up and down.

'Bloody hell' said Ron.

'What is it?' asked Harry. 'I still can't quite make it out.'

'It's a polar bear!' screamed Hermione.

'Run!'

The three of them began running as fast as they could but they were no match for the blistering speed of the bear.

'Get your wands out quickly!' shouted Harry.

'It won't work!' panted Hermione. 'Polar bears are immune to magic for some reason. They're like some kind of fearless godless killing machines.'

'Well what do we do then, Hermione!' screamed Ron.

'I don't know!' she replied.

All of a sudden, Harry tripped.

'Harry' shouted Hermione as she and Ron continued to run.

Wincing in pain, Harry looked up as he tried to get back on his feet to find the bear standing over him with its paw raised in the air as it prepared to strike. Harry closed his eyes and covered his face with his hands when out of nowhere a shadowy figure tackled the bear.

Realising he wasn't dead as dead as he should be, Harry opened his eyes. 'Hagrid?'

Hagrid wrestled with the bear, pinning it down and hitting it over and over in its bear face.

'We've got to help him!' cried Harry.

Knowing they would be no match for the bear physically, the three young wizards took out their wands and approached the bear.

'Hagrid!' cried Harry. 'Hold it down.'

'Easier said than done, 'arry!' responded Hagrid.

Hagrid and the bear continued to jostle until Hagrid finally managed to land a devastating blow to the lower jaw the beast. The bear collapsed to the ground in pain.

'Now!' ordered Harry.

Harry, Ron and Hermione ran to the bear and began to repeatedly stab it in the head and spine with their wands. Torrents of blood began to flow from the once majestic beast and the three wizards literally bled the life out of it. The bear let out one final cry of pain and died… they stopped stabbing it about a minute later.

Scrunching litres of blood of his clothes, Harry turned to Hagrid. 'What are you doing here?'

'Back at 'ogwarts I saw some man kidnappin' Hermione. Naturally I was worried so I followed them' he explained.

'Wait' said Hermione, 'how did you see that? It happened in my room.'

'Look, I just saved your life alright? Back off.'

'That excuse is getting old' Harry muttered to himself.

'Well' sighed Hagrid, 'S'pose I should be on m'way then.'

'Wait' said Hermione tugging at Hargrid's robes. 'You're not going to stay and help us?'

'I just did' replied Hagrid.

And so Hagrid walked away.

'Well what are we going to do now?' asked Ron.

'I'm not sure' responded Harry. 'I guess we're going to have to keep lo.. oh there it is.'

Harry pointed behind Ron and Hermione's head to reveal a towering fortress rising hundreds of meters in the air.

'How the hell did we miss that?'

'Shut up Ron.'

Santa awoke face down in the snow with a splitting headache. Using his hands to help himself up Santa noticed a large mechanic doppelganger standing before him.

'What the –'

The robotic Santa struck flesh Santa over the head causing him to blackout once again.

Chapter 5: Retro Terror!

Harry, Ron and Hermione approached the from door of the fortress. It was glowing a strange purple hue indicating that touching it probably wasn't a good idea.

'Great' said Hermione sarcastically, 'there's a protection charm on the door, we'll never be able to get in… though I suppose we probably should have though he'd do that.'

'I've got an idea' said Harry with a beaming grin.

Ron and Hermione watched as Harry picked up a rock and threw it threw a window.

'Huh…' sighed Hermione with a deadpan look on her face, 'never occurred to me that he wouldn't put charms on the windows.'

'Hermione' said Harry, 'this is a guy who couldn't kill a baby, alright? Let's face it, he's not that good a villain. Now come on, we have to go stop him.'

The gang entered through the window into a dark room. The room was large with only two light sources: the window and the gap between the doorframe and the door itself on the other side of the room.

'I suppose we know we we're going then' said Ron in a poor attempt to make a snappy one-liner.

The gang entered through the door to find themselves in a most peculiar room. The floor grew increasingly elevated towards the far side of the room and the roof was crooked and low in the opposite direction to the floor. MIDI music began to play as the familiar tune of the old Donkey Kong arcade game echoed through the room.

'This can only be good' said Harry.

The gang ran towards the far side of the room and noticed that at the end there was actually another elevated floor that could be reached from their newly found higher ground. The gang jumped across and continued to scale upwards.

'Bloody hell! Barrels!' cried Ron as equally distanced barrels began to role towards the three young wizards.

'Ok' said Hermione, 'if we time our jumps well we should be ok.'

The three of them began hopping barrel after barrel as they made their way upwards. After a few floors the group began to grow tired.

'We can't keep this up' panted Harry,

'Wait!' said Hermione, 'I think I have an idea. Aresto Momentum!'

With a flick of her wand and a flash of light the barrels began to slow to a snails pace.

'Hermione, you're a genius!' squealed Ron. 'They won't be a problem now.'

The gang walked all the way to the top of the floor where they found the source of the barrels.

'Donkey Kong?' said Harry. 'Wha..I mean… you're real?'

'Very much so' said Donkey as he continued to throw barrels. 'Voldemort caught me when I came here in search of the banana horde and put a jinx on me so now I can't stop throwing barrels.'

'That's horrible!' gasped Hermione. 'Is there anything we can do to break the jinx?'

'Well you could cut off my arms' joked Donkey Kong, 'but I'd rather you didn't.'

'A simple anti-jinx spell should do the trick' interjected Harry.

'Ok' said Donkey Kong. 'Give it a shot.'

Harry cast an anti-jinx spell on Donkey Kong, engulfing him in a beautiful white light. Within moments Donkey Kong had stopped throwing barrels.

'Thank you so much!' cheered DK. 'Now come on, we've got to get that banana horde… and do whatever it is you're here for while we're at it.'

Chapter 6: Brain Training

The gang continued onward through to the next room of the fortress which appeared to be a dead end.

'Now what? Harry muttered.

'Hey, there's something written over here!' shouted Ron.

'Hmm, let's see here' said Hermione. 'They appear to be instructions of some kind. "Path Revealing Brain Teaser: How to Use." Well that's oddly straightforward. "To advance one member of your party must solve a mind puzzle with a forced Christmas theme within ten minutes or everybody dies."

'Wait, what?' shouted Ron.

'Ok, I'll do it' said Harry.

'Wait Harry, I'm the smart one. I should get to save the day for a change' pouted Hermione but it was too late, Harry had already been teleported away.

Harry found himself in a dark room with three switches in front of him. Confused and disoriented, Harry walked around the room looking for something to help make sense of what he was supposed to be doing. After a short period of time, Harry found a door. As he put his hand on the handle he heard a strange voice in his head.

'Three switches correlate to three Christmas lights in the other room which can be accessed through that door. You must correctly identify which light bulb correlates to each switch, you are allowed only one trip into the other room and cannot touch any of the switches once you have opened the door. You have ten minutes.'

'What?' Harry thought to himself. 'How the hell am I going to do that? I can have one on and one off but that still leaves me with one extra light… I need some way of differentiating the third light.'

Harry paced back and forth in a similar manner to that of the hair of Willow Smith when she whips it. Suddenly, Harry had an idea. He flipped the first switch and waited. After waiting until there was a minute to go, Harry turned the first switch off and turned on the second one before opening the door and entering the room with the Christmas lights. The first light was on which Harry quickly and correctly identified as belonging to switch number two. Harry then touched the second and third Christmas lights to see which of the two was warm before correctly identifying that the third light bulb, which was warm, must belong to the first switch.

Again Harry heard a voice bellowing in his head 'correct.'

In a flash of light, Harry was transported back to his friends.

'Harry!' cheered Hermione. 'You did it!'

'Keen observation there' Harry said smugly, 'you could have solved the riddle with that kind of logical deduction.'

Before Hermione got the chance to break Harry's face for his unnecessary remark, the front wall began to crumble revealing a doorway behind it.

'Come on' said Harry. 'I think we're almost there.'

Chapter 7: The Spirit of Christmas

Santa awoke to find himself chained to a wall in a large open room high in the sky. As his vision slowly returned he noticed Voldemort on the other side of the room forming some sort of concoction.

'Hey!' shouted Santa. 'Let me go!'

'Oh hey that's a good idea, you know what? I'm going to do that right awa-pfft no.' said Voldemort like the jerk he is.

'What do you want from me' barked Santa.

'Nothing really' replied Voldemort. 'Basically I just thought you might like to watch as I literally suck the joy from the world.'

'Why would I ever want to watch that?'

'I was being facetious.'

'Ah.'

Voldemort approached Santa and plucked a hair from his beard before dropping it in his concoction.

'You owe me a hair you bastard!' yelled Santa.

'At least you have hair... and a nose!' growled Voldemort. 'No matter, they'll be here soon then this will all be over…'

Harry, Ron, Hermione and Donkey Kong found themselves in another dark room with a single light shining down on a pedestal in the centre of the room (symmetry always being a good indicator of important rooms). Atop the pedestal sat a small box.

'What do you think is in it?' queried Harry.

'What do you think?' said a familiar voice.

Harry turned around to find an old friend standing behind him.

'Dumbledore!' cheered Harry. 'What are you doing here?'

'Hello Harry, Ron, Hermione and large ape wearing a tie for some reason' said Dumbledore. 'I'm here to rescue my brother... Santa'

'What?' squealed Harry. 'Santa's you're brother? Actually I suppose I can kind of see the resemblance but still that's a pretty big bombshell.'

'Not really' replied Dumbledore. 'I mean, it was never meant to be a secret or anything it's just that it never came up in conversation before. I wanted to make sure you were being looked after by someone I could trust which is why I put you in the care of my brother.'

Before Dumbledore could continue explaining, Snape stepped out from behind him with a scowling look on his face.

'What's he doing here?' snapped Harry.

'He's here to help, Harry. Calm down.'

'Hello, Potter' said Snape in a monotonous tone.

To distract Harry's attention from the whole Snape situation he quickly interrupted by asking 'I take it you're here to find the true Spirit of Christmas and defeat Voldemort?'

'Yeah' replied Harry.

'Well what are you waiting for?' said Dumbledore as he nodded his head in the direction of the pedestal in the middle.

'I'm going to assume that's supposed to have the Spirit in it or something' said Harry.

'Pretty much' quipped Dumbledore.

Harry approached the pedestal and put his quivering hand on the box. With a deep breath he opened it. Nothing. The box was empty.

'What the hell?' shouted Harry. 'It's fucking empty!'

'Then I guess Christmas is doomed' said Dumbledore.

'No!' said Harry. 'I won't let him do it! I won't let him take away everybody's Christmas joy. Christmas is supposed to be about family, joy and capitalism run amok. I won't let him take that away from everyone!'

Suddenly Harry's chest began to glow and Dumbledore grinned.

'What's happening?' said Harry.

'You've found the true Spirit of Christmas' said Dumbledore. 'Conveniently enough, it was in your heart all along.'

The glowing light moved from Harry's chest to the air in front of him. Slowly it began to take the form of an object often found in places like Baltimore and Detroit.

'Of course!' said Hermione. 'A gun! For some reason we never tried using conventional weaponry on Voldemort. We're invincible now!'

Harry picked up the gun and cocked it back. 'Let's go kill us some dark lord.'

'Not so fast'

The gang turned back towards the door to find Robot Santa blocking the exit.

'Oh no! It's Robot Santa!' cried Ron.

'Harry!' shouted Dumbledore. 'Leave Robot Santa to Snape and I. You have to save Christmas!'

'But I…'

'Go!'

'Come on, Harry!' said Hermione. 'We have to go.'

Reluctantly, Harry joined Ron, Hermione and Donkey Kong as they escaped while Snape and Dumbledore fought Robot Santa.

As he exited the room, Harry turned back towards Dumbledore and whispered 'thank you.'

Chapter 8: Obligatory Harry and Voldemort Fight

As the gang rose higher and higher up the tower the air grew increasingly cold making the climb all the harder. Eventually they reached a large wooden door labelled 'Voldemort's Lair' which provided the group with a fairly good indication of where they were.

Harry took a yet another deep breath and sighed 'here goes nothing.'

The gang opened the door and peeked inside to see Santa chained to the wall.

'Santa!' shouted Hermione.

'Oh thank goodness' Santa replied. 'I thought I was done for.'

'Wait!' interrupted Harry. 'There's two of them?'

Turning their heads slightly to the right of Santa they realised that Harry was right: there were two Santas chained to the wall.

'What are you doing, boy?' said one of the Santas. 'He's impersonating me with a polyjuice potion. Stop him!'

Harry drew his gun pointing it back and forward between the two jolly fat men.

'Shoot him, Harry!'

'No, shoot him!'

'I don't know what to do…' wimpered Harry.

'Trust your instincts!' said Donkey Kong. 'You know in your heart which is the real Santa.'

Knowing he had to do something, Harry closed his eyes and fired.

'Argh!' screamed the Santa he shot. 'You idiot. Why did you shoot me? I'm the real Santa!'

'What?' screamed Harry but before he had a chance to think the other Santa broke free of his chains and fired an avada kedavara spell at Harry. Moments before the spell reached him, Harry dodged and drew his wand.

'I'll help!' said Donkey Kong as he pulled out his banana shaped wand from underneath his tie. 'Stupefy!'

Unfortunately the curve in DK's banana wand meant that the tip of his wand was facing right back at him causing him to stun himself.

'Ron, we have to help him!' shouted Hermione but it was too late. Before Ron and Hermione could do anything Voldemort fired a bolt of lightning from his wand causing stones from the ceiling to fall and conveniently knock out both Ron and Hermione.

'So I guess it's just you and me then, boy' snarled Voldemort.

'You'll never get away with this you stupid jerk face!' retorted Harry… rather poorly.

Harry and Voldemort fired avada kedavara spells at each other causing their spells to collide midair. Harry was losing ground, Voldemort was too strong and he knew he couldn't hold out for long.

'Once I've finished stealing Christmas I'm going after Kwanzaa!'

'You bastard!' stammered Harry as he began to slide backwards from the force of Voldemort's spell.

'Die!' growled Voldemort. 'Die you little – argh!'

All of a sudden Voldemort was hit over the head with a barrel causing him to collapse to the ground. Behind him stood Donkey Kong who had moments earlier recovered from his apparently very weak stun spell.

'Take that you noseless bastard' said DK.

Harry approached Voldemort's unconscious body before pointing his gun at it and shooting him half a dozen times in the spine and head.

'Finally it's over' sighed Harry.

Sensing that the exciting bits were over, Hermione and Ron woke up.

'Uhh, what about Santa?' asked Ron.

'Oh crap!' said Harry. 'I almost forgot. Santa, are you alright?'

'You shot me you idiot, oh you are so going on the naughty list this year.'

'I can see we missed all the action then?' said Dumbledore as he and Snape entered the room. 'I'm proud of you Harry, you've saved Christmas.'

'I don't think so' said Snape, pointing his wand at Santa.

'Snape, what are you doing?' shouted Dumbledore.

'I'm putting an end to this wretched holiday once and for all! Avada kedavara!'

'Nooooo!' cried Dumbledore as he jumped in front of his brother.

Dumbledore collapsed to the ground as Snape's spell hit him.

'Do not want!' cried Harry.

Donkey Kong picked up Snape before he had time to act and threw him off the fortress causing him to plummet to his death.

Harry couldn't believe it. Snape killed Dumbledore. 'No!' he cried 'this can't be happening!'

'There is something I can do for him' winced Santa. 'But it will bring back Voldemort and Snape too.'

Without any hesitation Harry said 'do whatever you can, please you have to save him.'

'Ok' said Santa. 'I'm going to cast a reset spell.'

'Reset spell?' said Hermione. 'I've never heard of that before.'

'Yes, as luck would have it I'm the only one in the world who knows it. Basically it will reset time so none of this ever happened.'

'Are you kidding me?' growled Harry. 'You mean to tell me you could have just hit a bit reset button and stopped Voldemort from ever stealing Christmas!'

'In so many words. Yes.'

'I hate my life' muttered Harry.

'There'll be plenty of time for angst in Order of the Phoenix now back we go!'

Santa cast his wand in the air.

'Deus ex machina!'

Chapter 9: A Christmas They Would Never Forget

Harry awoke in Ron's house dazed and confused. He turned to the calendar besides his bed: it was Christmas day. He got out of bed and made his way downstairs where he found his family and friends all gathered around the Christmas tree.

'What's going on?' said Harry quietly to himself.

'Merry Christmas, Harry!' they all said in a cheery tone.

'Harry!' said Ginny. 'Santa's been, Harry! It's a Christmas miracle!'

'Santa?' said Harry in disbelief.

'Come on Harry' said Mrs Weasley. 'We're about to open our presents.'

Dumbledore opened his present. 'A new beard trimmer! This will come in handy. Thank you Santa' he said with a grin on his face.

Snape who was also there for some reason, was next up. He opened his box with a flutter in his heart. Unfortunately that excitement soon turned to disappointment when he opened the box to find a lump of coal.

'Bah humbug!' pouted Snape and everybody laughed.

Hagrid opened his gift to find a brand new surveillance camera. No one really understood why Santa would give him something like that but he sure seemed to like it.

Ron was very excited about the brand new clothes Santa brought him. Sure, they were ugly but they weren't second hand and that's all that mattered to him.

Hermione was confused by the bottle of gin Santa brought her: 'why does the note attached say I need this?'

Donkey Kong received only a note from Santa: 'go outside.' As instructed, DK went outside to find the banana horde sitting on the front yard. DK let out a victorious roar as he beat his fists on his chest before diving into the pile of overripe bananas.

Finally Harry opened his gift to find Santa had brought him the one thing he had always wanted but never had: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia season 3 on DVD which included Harry's favourite episode in which Charlie accidentally puts the bar up as a prize in a dance competition that ends with Cricket shattering Sweet Dee's kneecaps. Harry read the attached card which said only three words: 'thank you Harry.' Not entirely sure what the card meant, Harry turned his head to see Vernon smiling at him like he had never done before. Harry turned back and as he looked around at the rest of his family and friends he smiled. It had truly been a Christmas they would never forget.

Fin


End file.
